Fantasies

We're sold out tonight, which is sweet and sucky at the same time. Sweet because we don't have to process any walk-in customers, sucky because it doesn't stop them from walking through the door and pestering us about vacancies we don't effing have. Typically what happens is a customer with no reservation comes in, asks if we have any rooms, we say we don't, and then they leave. (SIDE NOTE TO MY CHEAP ASS BOSS: It would be nice if we had a no vacancy sign!) But occasionally, if I am lucky like I was five minutes ago, I get to have the following type of exchange with pushy would-be lodgers:

Woman: Do you have any rooms?
Me: No, I'm sorry, we're sold out.
Woman: You're sold out. Do you know of any other hotels in the area that might have rooms?
Me: I honestly can't say.
Woman: Do you have public computers or internet access here so I could find out?
Me: No, we sure don't. Sorry.
(Woman leaves, experiences moment of genius, then comes back.)
Woman: Are you sure you don't have any rooms? I mean, like, do you have rooms that you're just holding for people that might become available later on?
Me: NO.
Exeunt.

Now I know we already discussed how people tend to repeat what I've said when they hear something they don't like. However, we may not have touched on the fact that they also expect me to have Mapquest, the Weather Channel, the phone book and a crystal ball installed somewhere on my person. Customers are constantly being let down by their own sadly misguided optimism. Here's one real life example of a customer feeling that special kind of disappointment that only unmet expectations can create:

REALITY
Customer: Do you know how to get to the nearest ski resort from here?
Me: No, I don't, I'm sorry.
Customer: (amazed) You're supposed to know everything! You work at a hotel!

If their expectations had been met, this is how that would have gone down:

CUSTOMER FANTASY
Me: You're right, sir. I'm so sorry. Allow me to point the way to your desired destination at once. And please accept this suitcase full of hundred dollar bills by way of further apology.
Customer: That's more like it!

And my own hotel dreams come true? Not so much unrealistic as they are flat out disrespectful...

MY FANTASY
Me: I put in an order for a brand new third eye this morning. Hopefully it'll get here soon so I can stop embarrassing myself. SYKE! I was just saying that because you are clearly retarded past the point of all assistance and I thought you might actually believe it.
Customer: You are the worst hotel clerk ever!
Me: Well, sir, here's a quarter. Perhaps you should use it to call your mother, whom I suspect is the only person alive or dead interested in listening to your ear-splitting drivel. Now please, step away from the desk before I use this mallet to strike my boss's dinner gong. Thank you!

You know, I think I like this whole fantasy dialogue thing. I'm going to keep doing it for the rest of this entry...

REALITY
Customer: Do you have any rooms tonight?
Me: No, we're sold out.
Customer: You're sold out? Do you have just one, with a king-sized bed?
Me: No. We're completely booked.
Customer: Or a queen? I would take a queen.
Me: NO.
CUSTOMER FANTASY
Customer: Are you sure?
Me: Wait...it says here we do have one room left, but I don’t know if you’re going to want it. It comes with a king-sized bed, a jacuzzi tub, a lifetime subscription to the Playboy Channel, and the Swedish Olympic bikini sponge bath team. Would that suit you?
Customer: Why, yes. Yes it would. (sniffs air) Is that...money I smell?
Me: It's free open safe night here at the hotel. You're the first person that noticed, which means you get all the cash! Fifty million dollars!
Customer: Whoopee! This is the best night of my life!
MY FANTASY
Customer: Is that...chicken I smell?
Me: It's probably whatever is left of the last person who came in here and asked for a room. I used my boss's copy of the Necronomicon to summon an army of zombies, and they totally cooked and ate that guy. I loved the whole thing so much I am hoping to see it again quite soon.
(The customer wisely backs away.)

REALITY
Customer: Do you have any rooms?
Me: No.
Customer: What? I'll have you know I was just over at the hotel across the street, and they told us you had rooms.
Me: Really? Well, we don't.
CUSTOMER FANTASY
Me: Hotels are like secret clubhouses maintained by nine-year-olds--you can't get in without knowing the password. But you just said it! Congratulations, you're in!
Customer: And it's free, right?
Me: Oh, you know it, bro! You can stay here as long as you want! And lap dances from Adrianna, our resident skank, are on the house as well!
Customer: Score!!
MY FANTASY
Me: Don't make me pull out my retard whistle, sir.
Customer: WHAT?
Me: You know how they have whistles that only dogs can hear? Well, I have a retard whistle, and it has personally broken the eardrums of better morons than yourself. So give me a reason and you'll be watching television with the closed-captioning on in no time.

Boy howdy, that was fun. I could go on and talk about some of the other nutty things that happened tonight, like the fat people that were shaking their butts and pantomiming sexual acts next to the elevator, or Steve going into a room to fix some guy's remote control and seeing his wife topless in the bathroom, but I think instead I'll just install barf bag stations near all of the security cameras. Because all of this nonsense is enough to make you sick sometimes, really.