During my shift I like to watch Court TV on the television in the lobby. They're always showing awesome programs like COPS and World's Wildest Police Videos. However, I was doing a crossword in the back room this afternoon when I heard a man say something like "For goodness sake!" and he sounded pretty upset, so I came out to see what was going on. Apparently Forensic Files was showcasing DNA profiling because the screen was filled with nothing but live, magnified sperm. Oops. Not exactly something you want to see in a hotel lobby. Especially not if you're traveling with young children. ("Daddy, what is that stuff?")
Believe it or not, this isn't the first time the TV has disrespected me by broadcasting naughty images. For example, once upon a few weeks ago I was channel-surfing. Our television is an older model so it takes a few seconds for the image to appear once you've selected a channel. Well, right as I selected HBO, the following two things happened:
1. A group of elderly women walked into the lobby and gathered around the television.
2. Two women appeared on the screen and started making out, hard.
I don't think I've ever heard "Well!" and "I never!" uttered that many times before in my life. I tried to change the channel but the ladies were standing directly in front of the TV so I couldn't. All I could do was wait for the deluge of "Your clerks are perverts" complaint letters to begin pouring in, but for some reason they never did. Hmm. Perhaps those ladies secretly enjoy lesbian porn.
On a unrelated note, there's a woman doing push-ups on the lobby floor as I write this. This is the same woman that was just telling another guest about how our complimentary cookies are full of "bad things" like "the flu" and "Mad Cow disease" and how they're totally disgusting anyway so it would be best if he didn't eat them. After he left (presumably to get away from her) without taking any, she turned to me and explained that she said those things because she wanted all the cookies for herself. Nice try bitch, but the cookies are mine.
Oh, and also, the elevator stopped working and so did all the phones. Such good times.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Rudity
A guy just came down here wearing literally nothing save for eyeglasses and a pair of very small gym shorts. I immediately had the following questions for him...
1. How is it you remembered to put the glasses on but you forgot your shirt and shoes?
2. Do you think you're back at your house, where you can act like an unclothed moron without abandon, or what?
3. Who raised you? Donkeys? Or bears?
4. What room are you in, so I can set about bricking it off from the world, Cask of Amontillado-style, after you've retired for the night?
5. Are you the guy that lost his six-pack of Bud Light? Because a) I found it and b) you're drunk, right? You want it back?
6. Do you do this everywhere you go? How many times have you been slapped?
7. Why are you down here? You don't want anything, do you? Oh, please, say you don't want anything.
I also thought, okay, you're an idiot, and your "rudity" is offensive, but if you leave right now I won't feed you to my boss. Sadly, he felt me sending out "get lost, I hate you" rays with my mind so he came over to me, looked me right in the eye (he clearly had no shame) and asked where we kept our plastic utensils. Well, I don't know...but I can tell you that they're not being kept anywhere near me or else I would be using them to crudely blind myself like Oedipus, you naked bastard. Now get back to your room!
1. How is it you remembered to put the glasses on but you forgot your shirt and shoes?
2. Do you think you're back at your house, where you can act like an unclothed moron without abandon, or what?
3. Who raised you? Donkeys? Or bears?
4. What room are you in, so I can set about bricking it off from the world, Cask of Amontillado-style, after you've retired for the night?
5. Are you the guy that lost his six-pack of Bud Light? Because a) I found it and b) you're drunk, right? You want it back?
6. Do you do this everywhere you go? How many times have you been slapped?
7. Why are you down here? You don't want anything, do you? Oh, please, say you don't want anything.
I also thought, okay, you're an idiot, and your "rudity" is offensive, but if you leave right now I won't feed you to my boss. Sadly, he felt me sending out "get lost, I hate you" rays with my mind so he came over to me, looked me right in the eye (he clearly had no shame) and asked where we kept our plastic utensils. Well, I don't know...but I can tell you that they're not being kept anywhere near me or else I would be using them to crudely blind myself like Oedipus, you naked bastard. Now get back to your room!
Detardation
My night thus far...
Peter: Could you please explain to me why all women are so insane?
Me: Excuse me?
Peter: I mean, what's up with your gender?
Me: What?
Peter: Especially blondes. They're crazy bitches.
(I shoot him a withering look because I am blonde)
Peter: You don't count. You're a ginger.
Me: I AM NOT A GINGER.
Peter: Well, okay, you're not a ginger...you're a strawberry.
Me: And either way, you said all women.
And I thought I was the only one cranking out the verbal platinum hits. Damn!
In case you were looking to pick up a few life lessons from Pimpmaster P, let's review what we have gleaned thus far...
1. If you ever need to save your friendship with someone, just sleep with them. That will do the trick
2. Never date anyone that reads Cosmo
3. If you'd like a snack, jerky is the way to go
4. You don't need to wear shoes at work. Who cares about the peeling wallpaper? It was probably doing that anyway
5. All women are crazy, especially blondes (except me)
6. Men need to carry around something sharp at all times
7. Go ahead and drop the C word whenever you want, it's cool
8. William Shatner is the manliest man on the face of the earth
9. It's okay to deal drugs if you need to pay rent
10. Being pregnant doesn't mean you're off limits to Peter--he likes a challenge
Reading the list makes me wonder: wouldn't it be nice if there were such a thing as detardation? I can see it now--an moron detox program where people from Mensa help you become smarter using "Intelligence Enhancers" like flash cards, training toilets, and electric baths (kind of like A Clockwork Orange, but with cattle prods). Then I wouldn't have anyone to blog about, though, so never mind. Let the retardation commence!
Peter: Could you please explain to me why all women are so insane?
Me: Excuse me?
Peter: I mean, what's up with your gender?
Me: What?
Peter: Especially blondes. They're crazy bitches.
(I shoot him a withering look because I am blonde)
Peter: You don't count. You're a ginger.
Me: I AM NOT A GINGER.
Peter: Well, okay, you're not a ginger...you're a strawberry.
Me: And either way, you said all women.
And I thought I was the only one cranking out the verbal platinum hits. Damn!
In case you were looking to pick up a few life lessons from Pimpmaster P, let's review what we have gleaned thus far...
1. If you ever need to save your friendship with someone, just sleep with them. That will do the trick
2. Never date anyone that reads Cosmo
3. If you'd like a snack, jerky is the way to go
4. You don't need to wear shoes at work. Who cares about the peeling wallpaper? It was probably doing that anyway
5. All women are crazy, especially blondes (except me)
6. Men need to carry around something sharp at all times
7. Go ahead and drop the C word whenever you want, it's cool
8. William Shatner is the manliest man on the face of the earth
9. It's okay to deal drugs if you need to pay rent
10. Being pregnant doesn't mean you're off limits to Peter--he likes a challenge
Reading the list makes me wonder: wouldn't it be nice if there were such a thing as detardation? I can see it now--an moron detox program where people from Mensa help you become smarter using "Intelligence Enhancers" like flash cards, training toilets, and electric baths (kind of like A Clockwork Orange, but with cattle prods). Then I wouldn't have anyone to blog about, though, so never mind. Let the retardation commence!
Portrait
Jackie was here until well after five o'clock and it was anything but awesome. It got to the point where I was seriously thinking about finding wherever it is that she's hidden her portrait so I could destroy it and end all the madness, Dorian Gray-style. But then she left, so I didn't have to.
Also, I didn't think it was possible for Peter to get any stranger, so of course he did. Would you like to hear about it? Well, I don't feel like just telling you--I'd rather impart what I experienced via multiple choice. Let's get started. Did he...
A) Show me the knife he keeps in his pocket (Why? "Because every man should have something sharp.")
B) Serenade me with Linkin Park songs (which, in case you've never heard any, are terrible)
C) Take off his shoes and keep them off for the five hours he was here, thus releasing a very unpleasant funk into the air around the entire hotel
D) Snack on smelly beef jerky (which gave him rancid, spicy breath)
E) Not irritate me one bit, which made me realize I am too quick to judge people, and that is a character flaw I am going to work on with the aid of a therapist
F) Everything but E
Suffice it to say, I'm pretty tired after all the "fun" I had with Peter tonight. Thank you, Lord, for giving me the next three days off. I am going to need each one of them.
Also, I didn't think it was possible for Peter to get any stranger, so of course he did. Would you like to hear about it? Well, I don't feel like just telling you--I'd rather impart what I experienced via multiple choice. Let's get started. Did he...
A) Show me the knife he keeps in his pocket (Why? "Because every man should have something sharp.")
B) Serenade me with Linkin Park songs (which, in case you've never heard any, are terrible)
C) Take off his shoes and keep them off for the five hours he was here, thus releasing a very unpleasant funk into the air around the entire hotel
D) Snack on smelly beef jerky (which gave him rancid, spicy breath)
E) Not irritate me one bit, which made me realize I am too quick to judge people, and that is a character flaw I am going to work on with the aid of a therapist
F) Everything but E
Suffice it to say, I'm pretty tired after all the "fun" I had with Peter tonight. Thank you, Lord, for giving me the next three days off. I am going to need each one of them.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Package
A woman came in a little while ago with a lengthy tale of personal tragedy and an odd request. She said that (deep breath) her "cash card" was stolen while she was in Florida (where she lives) but she's going to be here in town for a while so she needs to give the bank a place to send a reissued card and it's not like she's even staying at our hotel or anything but she was just wondering if she could use our address. (Exhale.) If so, she would graciously come and pick it up when it arrived. Time to state the obvious: She appeared to be insane. So of course, I had the following internal responses:
1. Is this whole thing drug-related? It is, isn't it?
2. You want to know if I'll give you permission to use our address so you can send your drugs here?
3. If she's from out of town she's got to be staying somewhere. She can't just be living out of her car. Wait...
4. Is she living out of her car? If not, where is she staying?
5. Why can't the package be sent to that address? (This caused me to revisit query no. 2.)
6. You know what? I don't think I feel like dealing with this crap. Leave me alone.
I told her we couldn't accept mail for anyone other than our guests. When she heard that, she tried to book a room, but she was so strange I suggested she try someplace else. And then she finally left, thanks be to Jesus, my Lord and Savior. Hopefully she won't come back. (At least not until I've left for the day.)
FCQD
Customer: Do you accept Radical* Rewards points?
Me: No, sorry. We can take Crappy* Rewards points, but not Radical Rewards.
Customer: (clearly struggling to function on an adult level but failing) Well, the last time I stayed at your hotel, you took them.
Me: (inwardly) Perhaps you should take a time machine back to that magical day, sir, so that you can pester whoever was working then instead of making me want to slap you to death with my RHOJ now.
Customer: Would you still honor Radical Rewards?
Me: No. We only take Crappy Rewards.
Customer: Okay. (Thoughtful pause) But can you honor Radical Rewards?
Me: JUST CRAPPY REWARDS.
Customer: The last time I was at your hotel I was told you were getting new owners.
Me: We do not have new owners and we are not getting new owners.
Customer: Well…would the new owners accept Radical Rewards?
1. Is this whole thing drug-related? It is, isn't it?
2. You want to know if I'll give you permission to use our address so you can send your drugs here?
3. If she's from out of town she's got to be staying somewhere. She can't just be living out of her car. Wait...
4. Is she living out of her car? If not, where is she staying?
5. Why can't the package be sent to that address? (This caused me to revisit query no. 2.)
6. You know what? I don't think I feel like dealing with this crap. Leave me alone.
I told her we couldn't accept mail for anyone other than our guests. When she heard that, she tried to book a room, but she was so strange I suggested she try someplace else. And then she finally left, thanks be to Jesus, my Lord and Savior. Hopefully she won't come back. (At least not until I've left for the day.)
FCQD
Customer: Do you accept Radical* Rewards points?
Me: No, sorry. We can take Crappy* Rewards points, but not Radical Rewards.
Customer: (clearly struggling to function on an adult level but failing) Well, the last time I stayed at your hotel, you took them.
Me: (inwardly) Perhaps you should take a time machine back to that magical day, sir, so that you can pester whoever was working then instead of making me want to slap you to death with my RHOJ now.
Customer: Would you still honor Radical Rewards?
Me: No. We only take Crappy Rewards.
Customer: Okay. (Thoughtful pause) But can you honor Radical Rewards?
Me: JUST CRAPPY REWARDS.
Customer: The last time I was at your hotel I was told you were getting new owners.
Me: We do not have new owners and we are not getting new owners.
Customer: Well…would the new owners accept Radical Rewards?
Million
It was me, Peter, and the new guy (Jesse*) this evening. As it turned out, Peter and Jesse already knew each other, so I figured it wouldn't be long before they started talking about things they shouldn't have (but hey, they know about this blog, so anything they say in front of me is definitely being surrendered with acceptance). And predictably enough, Peter soon revealed that for one million dollars he would sleep with William Shatner (because he's "the manliest man in the world...well, him and Sean Connery"). What that has to do with him being Shatner's butt buddy for money, I haven't the foggiest. (Please note I assumed immediately that Shatner would be the top.) I also learned that Peter used to deal drugs to pay the rent and that his father is worth close to a million dollars (he owns "over thirty properties") and this is why Pimpmaster P "can't wait for him to die" so he can finally get his hands on that big ol’ money check. Classy. He sounded like a very low-rent Carl Sagan. Then Jesse chimed in with: "If you only knew how bad Peter really is...the stories I could tell you!" Oh honey, that's okay--I think I've heard enough. And rest assured, if I ever see Shatner, I'll be telling him that Peter's waiting with manly bells on.
FCQD
Customer: How far are you from downtown?
Me: Three miles.
Customer: Okay, great. How far are you from downtown?
FCQD
Customer: How far are you from downtown?
Me: Three miles.
Customer: Okay, great. How far are you from downtown?
Saturday, August 6, 2011
RHOJ
Tomorrow I'll be working with Peter and some new guy. All I can say about that is they'd better not give me any lip or else they'll get brutally checked with the ring hand of justice (RHOJ). Also, tomorrow's blog will probably be hilarious beyond words since we can all be fairly certain Peter will try to impress me with further accounts of his raunchy misdeeds. Stay tuned.
FCQD
Customer: Do you have wireless internet here?
Me: Yes, we do.
Customer: Do I need a cable for that?
FCQD
Customer: Do you have wireless internet here?
Me: Yes, we do.
Customer: Do I need a cable for that?
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