Detardation

My night thus far...

Peter: Could you please explain to me why all women are so insane?
Me: Excuse me?
Peter: I mean, what's up with your gender?
Me: What?
Peter: Especially blondes. They're crazy bitches.
(I shoot him a withering look because I am blonde)
Peter: You don't count. You're a ginger.
Me: I AM NOT A GINGER.
Peter: Well, okay, you're not a ginger...you're a strawberry.
Me: And either way, you said all women.

And I thought I was the only one cranking out the verbal platinum hits. Damn!
In case you were looking to pick up a few life lessons from Pimpmaster P, let's review what we have gleaned thus far...

1. If you ever need to save your friendship with someone, just sleep with them. That will do the trick
2. Never date anyone that reads Cosmo
3. If you'd like a snack, jerky is the way to go
4. You don't need to wear shoes at work. Who cares about the peeling wallpaper? It was probably doing that anyway
5. All women are crazy, especially blondes (except me)
6. Men need to carry around something sharp at all times
7. Go ahead and drop the C word whenever you want, it's cool
8. William Shatner is the manliest man on the face of the earth
9. It's okay to deal drugs if you need to pay rent
10. Being pregnant doesn't mean you're off limits to Peter--he likes a challenge

Reading the list makes me wonder: wouldn't it be nice if there were such a thing as detardation? I can see it now--an moron detox program where people from Mensa help you become smarter using "Intelligence Enhancers" like flash cards, training toilets, and electric baths (kind of like A Clockwork Orange, but with cattle prods). Then I wouldn't have anyone to blog about, though, so never mind. Let the retardation commence!