And now, for your reading pleasure, I am proud to present to you...a one-act play entitled My Evening With Peter. (Based on true events. Okay, it flat out happened.)
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Peter: Chubby-cheeked, shaggy-haired freak. Could definitely stand to be more awesome.
Taryn: Extremely attractive and intelligent. Could not become more awesome if she tried.
SCENE ONE
(Lights come up to reveal Taryn and Peter standing around behind front desk)
Taryn: So your tendency is to date girls you work with?
Peter: (grinning like a monkey) If the mood strikes.
Taryn: Sounds like you're a player slash pig. A player pig.
Peter: Pretty much.
Taryn: (playing Sudoku) Why do you have a girlfriend, then?
Peter: I don't want a serious relationship, but I like the security of having a girlfriend. I told her that right from the start. I'm not looking to get married. Eventually she's going to have to dump me and get together with someone else, because I am not going to be her last relationship, and she's not going to be mine.
Taryn: (still playing Sudoku) Well, you can't play the field around here, because none of us would date you. Especially not Ashley.
Peter: The pregnant girl?
Taryn: Yep.
Peter: (smiling strangely) What makes you think that would stop me?
Taryn: I don't know...perhaps the fact that she's pregnant?
Peter: (clearly impressed with himself) I like a challenge.
Taryn: (wouldn't be impressed if aliens suddenly appeared and performed Hamlet in its entirety while shooting hotel guests out of a three-story cannon) I never would have guessed you had such dark, dark evil inside your soul. You're so innocent looking.
Peter: Yeah, I get that a lot. Don't let the cheeks fool you--I'm bad!
(Lights out. End)
And...scene! Wasn't that beautiful? (I thought about including the part where Peter called Jackie a c**t, but I just figured no one would believe me on that one. Also, he smokes weed.) After all that, I didn't think tonight could get any better, but then Jackie got into an argument with one of the construction workers in the back room. It was pretty heated. I didn't know she ever even raised her voice (she's never yelled at me) but she and this guy were going at it, and not in a good way. It was totally sweet. I wish I could have taped it. But alas, I don't have a tape recorder. So you get nothing, and like it.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Quotes
My boss's cell phone died today. I wanted to say to her, "Isn't that funny? You're like twins now. No, wait--your phone isn't a horrible, rotting, flesh-devouring night walker. And, as far as I know, cell phones don't keep working after they've died." But then I thought better of it (being skeletonized by a piranha-mouthed soul reaver is definitely not the way I envision my final moments) and said nothing. However, as everyone knows, zombies can read minds, and unfortunately once she "heard" my internal mouth shootin' out sass she decided to take all the chocolate chip cookies home before I had a chance to grab one. And she doesn't even eat them--she just uses them as bait. Damn! The undead are truly the worst bosses ever.
In other news, I realized that I get a lot of crazy customers around here (wait, there's more). They're so crazy, in fact, that I'm going to start posting their questions, comments, and general verbal baby green diarrhea whenever I feel like it. Enjoy!
Funny Customer Quotes of the Day (a.k.a. FCQD)
1. "I see your 'no pets' sign, but I was just wondering...is that one hundred percent?"
2. "Is someone going to help me with my bags, or do I actually have to get them myself?"
3. "I was just outside and I saw a lot of lights out in your building. That means you have a bunch of empty rooms. And you're still charging seventy-nine dollars? Is that the best you can do?"
4. "I know the hotel across the street said they were sold out, but do you have any pull with them? I mean, can you get us a room over there even if they don't have any?"
5. "All you do is think about yourself! I GOTTA SMOKE!! (I know that was from the other day, but it's so funny it's worth reprinting.)
In other news, I realized that I get a lot of crazy customers around here (wait, there's more). They're so crazy, in fact, that I'm going to start posting their questions, comments, and general verbal baby green diarrhea whenever I feel like it. Enjoy!
Funny Customer Quotes of the Day (a.k.a. FCQD)
1. "I see your 'no pets' sign, but I was just wondering...is that one hundred percent?"
2. "Is someone going to help me with my bags, or do I actually have to get them myself?"
3. "I was just outside and I saw a lot of lights out in your building. That means you have a bunch of empty rooms. And you're still charging seventy-nine dollars? Is that the best you can do?"
4. "I know the hotel across the street said they were sold out, but do you have any pull with them? I mean, can you get us a room over there even if they don't have any?"
5. "All you do is think about yourself! I GOTTA SMOKE!! (I know that was from the other day, but it's so funny it's worth reprinting.)
Scratching
Today Steve and Lindsay (the new girl, who is not the felon from earlier) told me that Jackie scratched her "private area" in front of them. So I said, "Did she just skim the surface or was she actually digging for treasure?" They said both! Steve even said it happened one time when I was standing there, but I definitely don't remember seeing anything like that. You know what? I probably blocked it out, because if I ever saw my boss plundering her personal crypt like she was the Tomb Raider I'd have to put my own eyes out afterward, Oedipus-style. Well, It's nice to know my brain does care after all.
Felons
Today a girl came in and handed me a completed job application. She seemed normal enough until I snuck a peek at her resume and realized that she'd listed a few felony convictions...and you know what that means. It means it's time for a little multiple choice! Did she serve time for:
A) Sale and delivery of cocaine
B) Possession of pornographic tapes involving animals on the endangered species list
C) Battery on law enforcement
D) Both A and C
E) All of the above
The answer is D. I know, I know--you're disappointed because you were hoping it was E. Well, me too, but life is full of disappointment, case in point, my job. This is just speculation on my part, but I don't think my boss is going to hire this girl. She's just too good for this place. Moving on now...how about another fun-filled multiple choice? My customers are like a**holes because:
A) Actually there's no "like" about it, they're just a**holes, flat out
B) They're typically quite rude--so much so, in fact, that they make me want to stomp their esophagus full of holes with my trusty golf cleats until their nickname becomes "Philharmonic" because their every breath sounds like a f**king orchestra tuning up
C) Damn, they suck. I wish my boss would eat everyone that stays here
D) Both A and C
E) All of the above
Okay, obviously my rage got the better of me as I wrote that last one. I gotta work on that, but it's hard to because I spend the best parts of my day languishing in this jerk-filled dump. Signing off now.
A) Sale and delivery of cocaine
B) Possession of pornographic tapes involving animals on the endangered species list
C) Battery on law enforcement
D) Both A and C
E) All of the above
The answer is D. I know, I know--you're disappointed because you were hoping it was E. Well, me too, but life is full of disappointment, case in point, my job. This is just speculation on my part, but I don't think my boss is going to hire this girl. She's just too good for this place. Moving on now...how about another fun-filled multiple choice? My customers are like a**holes because:
A) Actually there's no "like" about it, they're just a**holes, flat out
B) They're typically quite rude--so much so, in fact, that they make me want to stomp their esophagus full of holes with my trusty golf cleats until their nickname becomes "Philharmonic" because their every breath sounds like a f**king orchestra tuning up
C) Damn, they suck. I wish my boss would eat everyone that stays here
D) Both A and C
E) All of the above
Okay, obviously my rage got the better of me as I wrote that last one. I gotta work on that, but it's hard to because I spend the best parts of my day languishing in this jerk-filled dump. Signing off now.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Crabs
Would you like a specific example of my boss being rude? Well, you're in luck...
Worker: We should be done with those bathroom tiles around six o'clock.
Jackie: Okay, great. (Her brain then shuts down completely.) Hey, you're big! You know who you remind me of? Costello, from Abbott and Costello!
Worker: (attempting and failing to shield his considerable midsection with his hands) Jeez! I'm not that big!
Jackie: You are. You are that big.
I guess she was sizing him up for later. After all, everyone likes a midnight snack, soul or no soul. Also funny tonight...
Customer with heavy southern accent: You got any rooms?
Me: Yep.
Customer: All right then. You got crabs?
(Significant pause)
Me: Pardon?
Customer: Crabs. You got crabs, or what?
(Steve's face contorts with suppressed laughter)
Customer: You know...for babies?
Me: Oh, cribs. No, we don't.
Potential replies practically write themselves, in my opinion...
1. "Doesn't everybody?" (Bonus points if said while doing any of the following: scratching furiously, clutching a fly swatter, or inching towards bottle of special shampoo.)
2. "Actually, everyone here has crabs. Would you like to shake hands?"
3. "I'm sorry, sir, I wasn't aware that it was Extremely Personal Information Exchange Day. Perhaps now would be the perfect time to discuss your irritable bowel syndrome? Or we could talk about your doubtlessly chronic erectile dysfunction. Your choice."
4. "Haven't you heard? Crabs aren't just for babies anymore."
5. "See the trap door over there? I need you to go step directly on that."
It was clearly a wonderful evening, to say the least. Especially since Jackie hung around until almost seven f**king thirty and we thought we were going to have to kill ourselves (as that is the only way to effectively escape her nonsense).
Unfortunately, before she left, she put a lid on the SF. First she asked Steve and myself why we weren't wearing our name tags. Then she turned on Steve, Judas-style, and told him he couldn't wear jeans or sneakers anymore. And ever since then I've been silently mourning the death of SF...NO! These aren't tears! My eyes are just watering! It's cold in here! Dammit! (Sniff) Leave me alone.
Worker: We should be done with those bathroom tiles around six o'clock.
Jackie: Okay, great. (Her brain then shuts down completely.) Hey, you're big! You know who you remind me of? Costello, from Abbott and Costello!
Worker: (attempting and failing to shield his considerable midsection with his hands) Jeez! I'm not that big!
Jackie: You are. You are that big.
I guess she was sizing him up for later. After all, everyone likes a midnight snack, soul or no soul. Also funny tonight...
Customer with heavy southern accent: You got any rooms?
Me: Yep.
Customer: All right then. You got crabs?
(Significant pause)
Me: Pardon?
Customer: Crabs. You got crabs, or what?
(Steve's face contorts with suppressed laughter)
Customer: You know...for babies?
Me: Oh, cribs. No, we don't.
Potential replies practically write themselves, in my opinion...
1. "Doesn't everybody?" (Bonus points if said while doing any of the following: scratching furiously, clutching a fly swatter, or inching towards bottle of special shampoo.)
2. "Actually, everyone here has crabs. Would you like to shake hands?"
3. "I'm sorry, sir, I wasn't aware that it was Extremely Personal Information Exchange Day. Perhaps now would be the perfect time to discuss your irritable bowel syndrome? Or we could talk about your doubtlessly chronic erectile dysfunction. Your choice."
4. "Haven't you heard? Crabs aren't just for babies anymore."
5. "See the trap door over there? I need you to go step directly on that."
It was clearly a wonderful evening, to say the least. Especially since Jackie hung around until almost seven f**king thirty and we thought we were going to have to kill ourselves (as that is the only way to effectively escape her nonsense).
Unfortunately, before she left, she put a lid on the SF. First she asked Steve and myself why we weren't wearing our name tags. Then she turned on Steve, Judas-style, and told him he couldn't wear jeans or sneakers anymore. And ever since then I've been silently mourning the death of SF...NO! These aren't tears! My eyes are just watering! It's cold in here! Dammit! (Sniff) Leave me alone.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Smoking
A couple and their two young children just came in here looking to get a room for the night. When I told them we were out of smoking rooms, the dad got pretty red in the face. He shrieked, "No, then! There's no way I'm staying in a non-smoking room! I gotta smoke!" But then the kids started in about how they wanted to stay, and the following ensued...
Kids: We want to go swimming!
Dad: They don't have any smoking rooms, and I gotta smoke. We have to go somewhere else.
Kids: Can't you just go outside and smoke?
Dad: It's snowing outside! Oh, you'd like it if I had to go out in the cold and snow just so you could go swimming, wouldn't you?
Me: (spoken) I can call the Howard Johnson's for you and see if they have any smoking rooms available.
Me: (unspoken) GET OUT
Kids: But they have a pool here! We want to go in the pool!
Dad: That's all you do, isn't it? All you do is think about yourself! I GOTTA SMOKE!
Don't you wish that I was making this up? I'm not though, so get out the tissues if you need 'em...damn crybaby hippie weirdos. Now if I had been one of those kids, I would have quietly set out for the open road long ago in search of a more suitable parent or guardian (Tucker Max? Sea World? The Donner Party?). But these kids did not possess my innate desire for self-preservation, so they just stood their ground. Finally, after much wheedling and complaining, Father of the Year 2005-present agreed to book a non-smoking room because "if I don't, I'll never hear the end of it. You'll just bitch and bitch if we don't get the damn pool, won't you." However, this momentary "truce" was shattered once Dad heard about the whole paying-with-cash-requires-a-deposit thing (definitely something too complicated for his tiny, smoke-strangled mind to process). He marched everyone back out to the car to "discuss things further." And after some time passed they did come back and book a room, much to my disappointment, as I was hoping they'd either found lodging elsewhere or ran into my boss in the parking lot at feedin' time. (Hey, either way, they would have been out of my life for good.)
I personally have always maintained that the best place to have any type of family disagreement is in public (and in front of strangers, if you can swing it). My customers are constantly striving to prove this point for me. Thank you, you nutty a**holes. You unknowingly feed the ever-hungry monster that is this blog, and I appreciate it. Now f**k off, seriously.
Kids: We want to go swimming!
Dad: They don't have any smoking rooms, and I gotta smoke. We have to go somewhere else.
Kids: Can't you just go outside and smoke?
Dad: It's snowing outside! Oh, you'd like it if I had to go out in the cold and snow just so you could go swimming, wouldn't you?
Me: (spoken) I can call the Howard Johnson's for you and see if they have any smoking rooms available.
Me: (unspoken) GET OUT
Kids: But they have a pool here! We want to go in the pool!
Dad: That's all you do, isn't it? All you do is think about yourself! I GOTTA SMOKE!
Don't you wish that I was making this up? I'm not though, so get out the tissues if you need 'em...damn crybaby hippie weirdos. Now if I had been one of those kids, I would have quietly set out for the open road long ago in search of a more suitable parent or guardian (Tucker Max? Sea World? The Donner Party?). But these kids did not possess my innate desire for self-preservation, so they just stood their ground. Finally, after much wheedling and complaining, Father of the Year 2005-present agreed to book a non-smoking room because "if I don't, I'll never hear the end of it. You'll just bitch and bitch if we don't get the damn pool, won't you." However, this momentary "truce" was shattered once Dad heard about the whole paying-with-cash-requires-a-deposit thing (definitely something too complicated for his tiny, smoke-strangled mind to process). He marched everyone back out to the car to "discuss things further." And after some time passed they did come back and book a room, much to my disappointment, as I was hoping they'd either found lodging elsewhere or ran into my boss in the parking lot at feedin' time. (Hey, either way, they would have been out of my life for good.)
I personally have always maintained that the best place to have any type of family disagreement is in public (and in front of strangers, if you can swing it). My customers are constantly striving to prove this point for me. Thank you, you nutty a**holes. You unknowingly feed the ever-hungry monster that is this blog, and I appreciate it. Now f**k off, seriously.
SF
We switched over to new uniforms this week--blue long-sleeved shirts (provided by Jackie) and black pants (self-provided). So today Rob was wearing black jeans and his trademark thong sandals, and Jackie told him he had to stop wearing the sandals and get new pants (slacks, not jeans). But when I showed up wearing the correct shirt, shoes, and slacks, she just looked at me plaintively and said, "Where's your name tag?" (My reply: "Where's your soul? Same place, probably. IN HELL") Steve was standing right next to me the whole time wearing black jeans and no name tag and she didn't say one word to him. That seems like selective favoritism, or SF, to me.
The only time I enjoy SF is when it works in my favor. Like the other night when I didn't do the bucket check and Peter made a mistake (he was probably so busy thinking about ugly girls shaking their booties that he didn't notice) that the check would have revealed. The whole thing led to Steve and Ashley getting yelled at by Jackie the next morning. When I found out I called her and asked her what was going on, but she just started talking about how Target was having a sale on women's black pants in case I was interested, and that was the end of it. In summation, Goldie-centric SF good, anti-Goldie SF, bad.
I suppose I should be more understanding about my boss and her SF. I mean, she probably just needs a friend. The afterlife can be lonely sometimes, what with everyone you meet making the sign of the cross and spraying you with holy water whilst running away. Or she could simply be bored; she doesn't have any hobbies or goals (other than anything murder-related) and she hasn't really accomplished anything in life other than the time she invented those weird purple pills that make people swell up like that one girl in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That way there's more meat on them bones. Yum yum.
The only time I enjoy SF is when it works in my favor. Like the other night when I didn't do the bucket check and Peter made a mistake (he was probably so busy thinking about ugly girls shaking their booties that he didn't notice) that the check would have revealed. The whole thing led to Steve and Ashley getting yelled at by Jackie the next morning. When I found out I called her and asked her what was going on, but she just started talking about how Target was having a sale on women's black pants in case I was interested, and that was the end of it. In summation, Goldie-centric SF good, anti-Goldie SF, bad.
I suppose I should be more understanding about my boss and her SF. I mean, she probably just needs a friend. The afterlife can be lonely sometimes, what with everyone you meet making the sign of the cross and spraying you with holy water whilst running away. Or she could simply be bored; she doesn't have any hobbies or goals (other than anything murder-related) and she hasn't really accomplished anything in life other than the time she invented those weird purple pills that make people swell up like that one girl in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That way there's more meat on them bones. Yum yum.
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