Crabs

Would you like a specific example of my boss being rude? Well, you're in luck...

Worker: We should be done with those bathroom tiles around six o'clock.
Jackie: Okay, great. (Her brain then shuts down completely.) Hey, you're big! You know who you remind me of? Costello, from Abbott and Costello!
Worker: (attempting and failing to shield his considerable midsection with his hands) Jeez! I'm not that big!
Jackie: You are. You are that big.

I guess she was sizing him up for later. After all, everyone likes a midnight snack, soul or no soul. Also funny tonight...

Customer with heavy southern accent: You got any rooms?
Me: Yep.
Customer: All right then. You got crabs?
(Significant pause)
Me: Pardon?
Customer: Crabs. You got crabs, or what?
(Steve's face contorts with suppressed laughter)
Customer: You know...for babies?
Me: Oh, cribs. No, we don't.

Potential replies practically write themselves, in my opinion...

1. "Doesn't everybody?" (Bonus points if said while doing any of the following: scratching furiously, clutching a fly swatter, or inching towards bottle of special shampoo.)
2. "Actually, everyone here has crabs. Would you like to shake hands?"
3. "I'm sorry, sir, I wasn't aware that it was Extremely Personal Information Exchange Day. Perhaps now would be the perfect time to discuss your irritable bowel syndrome? Or we could talk about your doubtlessly chronic erectile dysfunction. Your choice."
4. "Haven't you heard? Crabs aren't just for babies anymore."
5. "See the trap door over there? I need you to go step directly on that."

It was clearly a wonderful evening, to say the least. Especially since Jackie hung around until almost seven f**king thirty and we thought we were going to have to kill ourselves (as that is the only way to effectively escape her nonsense).
Unfortunately, before she left, she put a lid on the SF. First she asked Steve and myself why we weren't wearing our name tags. Then she turned on Steve, Judas-style, and told him he couldn't wear jeans or sneakers anymore. And ever since then I've been silently mourning the death of SF...NO! These aren't tears! My eyes are just watering! It's cold in here! Dammit! (Sniff) Leave me alone.