Friendship

Tonight I worked with the new guy, Peter*, for the first time. (I think the P in Peter stands for "pass-around" and you're about to find out why.) I was expecting him to be fragile, which meant I wasn't going to pick on him, swear in front of him, make him watch Code Monkeys, or scare him by describing the makeshift graveyard upstairs where Jackie likes to store her half-eaten conquests, a.k.a. room 504. (For back story on Peter, read "Nice." Go on, scroll down and do it. I'll wait. Okay, no I won't.)
So imagine my surprise when, instead of living up to his rep by arriving in feetie pajamas and clutching something stuffed, Peter comes in and immediately starts sharing chapters from his forthcoming autobiography The Life & Times of Pimpmaster Peter. It got to the point where he actually started to remind me of Warren. Here's a quick rundown of the things Peter let us in on:
*He likes buying champagne at convenience stores ("You can get some good ones for only six dollars.")
*He was rooming with/dating a girl for two years when another girl started hitting on him. He initially turned her down, but she was offended by the rejection, and he quickly realized the only way to "save the friendship" was to sleep with her, so he did. He added that he was looking to dump his girlfriend anyway and that neither girl was what you would call attractive.
*A year and a half after he and his girlfriend broke up (for “other reasons”) the two girls ran into each other at a bar. Suddenly the friend screamed, "I screwed your boyfriend, bitch!" This little outburst apparently led to a violent brawl. If you knew what Peter looked like, you'd say, "A year and a half later? Over him?” Yeah, well, Steve didn't believe it either. And we couldn't understand why he was bragging to us about being a two-timing, ugly girl-chasing, cheap liquor-drinking venereal disease. (Believe me when I say he was bragging--he looked extremely pleased with himself the entire time.)
*His moral of that last story: "Never get involved with a girl who reads Cosmo." (Apparently that's where his "friend" learned the fiery arts of seduction that she unleashed upon him.)
So I'm assuming by now you can hear it. You can, right? The strains of don't you wish your boyfriend was hot like P? Damn, he's crazy. I think most of us can agree that if you're nervous about meeting your new co-workers and you're looking to impress them, you probably shouldn't start off by telling them about how you're a Natural Ice-swilling ho-bag. I mean, at least take a little poetic license and make the girls in your stories hot! Soon I'll be warning our fellow co-workers not to hit on Peter unless they definitely want some, because he'll go for it even if he's not into you. I was tempted to say to him, hey, if you're that up for anything, why don't you just go hit on Jackie? Take one for the team--so to speak--since you're such a player and all. Jackie needs some flattery in her life, seeing as how she rivals only the Cryptkeeper in terms of attractiveness. Plus you need to make sure your friendship with her stays intact, and you know that's the only way to do it. Come on! It'll be easy, like you.
I'm pretty sure this guy was hired to do the morning shift, which means that I won't be spending a lot of time with him. However, since he's still in training, I will be working with him again tomorrow night. Be sure to tune in then for more of Peter's wacky antics and yappy yarns. Without a doubt, there will be plenty of both.