Nice

When I came in to work today, Ashley told me that Jackie hired two new people (a guy and a girl) and she warned me to "be nice" to the guy because...
*He wears a tie
*He used to be a Boy Scout
*He mentions the fact that he used to be a Boy Scout with unsettling frequency
*He is fragile-looking (a.k.a. potential lachrymal laboratory)
*He's twenty-three, but looks like he's twelve
*I'm mean
Apparently the moment Ashley and Steve saw this young man they assumed I was going to "eat him alive." So I had to remind them that our boss is the one who eats people and that I only use my cruelty against those who truly deserve it. Besides, if he's a crier I'm definitely not interested in being responsible for unleashing that nonsense. (Actually I don't want to see anybody's cry-barfing side so shut it off already.) And, might I add, it's not like I'm the only mean person working here--Steve likes to read me ads in the paper about women selling off their old Lane Bryant merchandise in case I'm interested, for example. Case closed.
I think there are two types of people in the world: criers and non-criers. There are also people who barf when they're sick and people who don't barf. The two things seem to go together; I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a crier who didn't barf or vice-versa. I myself have not done either since December 1993. Top that, cry-barfers!